Goodness… I just want to write,
I, being a girl, have many thoughts. Most of them are emotion but sometimes, sometimes they are actually insightful and intellectual – this is not one of those times. I am scared. I want to be something in the grand scheme of things however, I’m not anything, not yet. I’m not a professional photographer (even though I pretend to be), I’m not in any kind of relationship, I have a feeble career (retail associate isn’t cutting it anymore) – I’m ready, so ready, to be somebody; I WANT TO BE ME ALREADY! I feel things in me stirring, this calm before the storm, I feel the grayish/green clouds begin to swirl into their destructive funnels, it’s right there, in every inch of my body, the storm is coming and when it does, it will either be the coolest thing I’ve ever seen or the biggest flop in my life. I’m scared but excited, like the storm chasers who fearlessly get into their car and take on the hail, rain and lightning with minimal fear but more excitement than anything. I want it so desperately to be the day after graduation so I know where I am going and what I am doing. I want to live in my own home, with a pet or a boyfriend with a career and job security. I don’t want to be this low income riffraff anymore. I want to be me but I can’t. I don’t know how to be me yet, rather, I don’t like this me much and I’m ready for my metamorphosis to happen. I’m counting down the days, until it is here. Graduation. Only 72 more credit hours to go.
I have this dream. I get to be a photographer of anything and everything, have magazines call me to ask me to photograph for them but I want to photograph the world, travel, see things that I’ve only dreamed of. I want to be paid for taking photos I want to take. I want to work with people who call and ask me to grace them with my presence. I want to create scenes and be in charge of the shoot. I want everyone to ask me what needs to be done and how the lights should be, people scurrying around busy as bees to get the shot that I envision and there be nothing to stop me. Everyone wants to work with me. I want to be the innovative yet humble photographer that just wants to make what is in my brain come out on this colorful paper that seems so simple but is more of a mathematical equation that takes time to solve and pine over.
I want to love what I do and I am ready to embrace it right this second! I am tired of waiting. I feel like I’ve waisted so much time already but I’m about there, reaching and grabbing at something still out of my reach but every step I slightly advance, it isn’t much but I’m closer than my last step and I will get it! I will not give up! I am tired but I’m not tired enough to give up on my dreams yet. I am a photographer and I’m going to prove it. Just you wait and see. This is my emotion, my passion.
See some of my earlier, before school photography on my DeviantART gallery from years and years ago…