Goodness… I just want to write

Goodness… I just want to write,

I, being a girl, have many thoughts. Most of them are emotion but sometimes, sometimes they are actually insightful and intellectual – this is not one of those times. I am scared. I want to be something in the grand scheme of things however, I’m not anything, not yet. I’m not a professional photographer (even though I pretend to be), I’m not in any kind of relationship, I have a feeble career (retail associate isn’t cutting it anymore) – I’m ready, so ready, to be somebody; I WANT TO BE ME ALREADY! I feel things in me stirring, this calm before the storm, I feel the grayish/green clouds begin to swirl into their destructive funnels, it’s right there, in every inch of my body, the storm is coming and when it does, it will either be the coolest thing I’ve ever seen or the biggest flop in my life. I’m scared but excited, like the storm chasers who fearlessly get into their car and take on the hail, rain and lightning with minimal fear but more excitement than anything. I want it so desperately to be the day after graduation so I know where I am going and what I am doing. I want to live in my own home, with a pet or a boyfriend with a career and job security. I don’t want to be this low income riffraff anymore. I want to be me but I can’t. I don’t know how to be me yet, rather, I don’t like this me much and I’m ready for my metamorphosis to happen. I’m counting down the days, until it is here. Graduation. Only 72 more credit hours to go.

I have this dream. I get to be a photographer of anything and everything, have magazines call me to ask me to photograph for them but I want to photograph the world, travel, see things that I’ve only dreamed of. I want to be paid for taking photos I want to take. I want to work with people who call and ask me to grace them with my presence. I want to create scenes and be in charge of the shoot. I want everyone to ask me what needs to be done and how the lights should be, people scurrying around busy as bees to get the shot that I envision and there be nothing to stop me. Everyone wants to work with me. I want to be the innovative yet humble photographer that just wants to make what is in my brain come out on this colorful paper that seems so simple but is more of a mathematical equation that takes time to solve and pine over.

I want to love what I do and I am ready to embrace it right this second! I am tired of waiting. I feel like I’ve waisted so much time already but I’m about there, reaching and grabbing at something still out of my reach but every step I slightly advance, it isn’t much but I’m closer than my last step and I will get it! I will not give up! I am tired but I’m not tired enough to give up on my dreams yet. I am a photographer and I’m going to prove it. Just you wait and see. This is my emotion, my passion.

See some of my earlier, before school photography on my DeviantART gallery from years and years ago…

Taken with Kodak 400 Tmax.

Taken with Kodak 400 Tmax.

2 thoughts on “Goodness… I just want to write

  1. Come on Steph, tell us how you really feel. I’m glad you did a mind dump, it’s the first step to sorting things out. A Chinese philosopher once said, “The way of the Tao is easy save the picking and choosing”. The way to move forward is to chose a point of focus and try not to deviate from your route.

    Photography is a vast occupation, or tool. It has a rich history, a highly technical present and a future that can only be guessed about. Where in photography can YOU fit depends on two things: what you like and what your strength are. They are your basic tools to start with, then as you become more skilled and experienced, adding confidence to your tool box, you will expand your horizons. You will make your dream a qualified reality a day at a time. Each morning focus on your goal and ask yourself, “What can I do today towards reaching my goal”?
    That doesn’t mean your choices have to be narrow, you must of course investigate new and different avenues of photography. A good choice will move you towards your dream goal. A bad choice is one that creates a distraction, steals away time and focus. It’s easy to become distracted; for instance I enjoy 4×5 format landscape photography. It’s a discipline of sorts but very time consuming particularly when selecting possible sites to set up for. So I decided to go on ebay and buy a small vintage lightweight 35 mm camera to document locations even though I already owned two motorized Nikon FE2’s.
    A year later and I’ve bought about fifty 35mm view finder cameras. I told myself I needed to know what compact camera was best for the task and then I set about trying to buy the best of the best. It was an ebay nightmare! I spent way too much money, have lots of cameras I need to resell on ebay and I lost many hours shooting time. I probably could have sketched the locations faster. While I learned a lot about compact 35mm viewfinder cameras, (an era in cameras I had missed), I was truly distracted to the point of embarrassing myself.
    You have many dreams that revolve around you and your photography that you’ve written about above. Some will come into focus others will turn into distractions. Don’t worry that you’re not good at everything, just be good at one thing to begin with. And don’t wish for the day after graduation thinking that you’ll know what your going to be doing, because if you don’t the day before graduation you won’t know the day afterwards either. Think of the time between now and then as the amount of time you have to learn everything about photography that you want to know. Hey,no pressure there! I know you love photography and it’s in your destiny. You’ve already shown us that. The real you has yet to develop fully, and has yet to be seen by the world at large, so focus and get out there.
    It’s only because I’m old and have made many mistakes that I have the audacity to give you advice. I hope it will relieve your anxieties. Look forward to your next post.
    Happy trails,

    • Steve, thank you. There is a lot of good advice here and you are right, I do not need to rush things, no matter how eager I am. It is that instant gratification nonsense! Haha. I appreciate you taking the time to share with me your thoughts, they ring true every word, patience is something I need to work on.

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